(Revised 8-9-2009)

I believe we need to seriously discuss the relationship between young men and women and adult men and women, about sex, and about living together. So, if you are willing to let me share my views with you, I’ll begin by discussing the historical and traditional status of women in society.

We need to acknowledge and understand how and why women have historically and traditionally been treated as inferior by men, and have often been forced to be subservient to men. Of course, that is partly because since prehistoric times most men have been larger and stronger than most women. However, some religions "legitimized" sexism and patriarchy, and during the passing age they have made things worse in that respect. Certain organized religions and religious sects have been invested with power by men, in the interests of men, and for the benefit of men. Thus even today they are patriarchal, and some even believe that God is a male entity.

The truth, however, is that God is not a man, nor a son of man, as even Moses wrote. Many following Hebrew prophets corroborated that, and the Christ Jesus confirmed it when he said "at no time has anyone seen God’s shape," and God "is greater than I." 

I should explain that when Jesus spoke of God’s "face" being seen "through" him, he was not talking literally about his own face, because the "face" of God is the Eternal Divine Light, which is shapeless and without form as we know it. The term "face of God" is a figure of speech, like the face of the deep or the face of the waters. And even though the Christian gospel writers may have stated that Jesus used the symbolic term "our father in heaven," it was to use a common frame of reference, for lack of any other understandable term, and it perpetuated patriarchal traditions.

God is our spiritual parent, but God has both male and female aspects. The "image" of God is not the image of a man. All human beings are made in God's image, and thus we are Children of Light. For God is the eternal, omnipresent Supreme Consciousness, the Divine Light-Energy-Source of our existence, the Essence of all life and form, and the primordial "Word" that was in the beginning and is made flesh in all of us.

Unfortunately, many religious people do not understand that. And, because of erroneous beliefs and patriarchal traditions, many men think they are superior to women, and even today some women in the world are still forced to serve as chattel. They are treated as if their only proper role is to be virginal daughters obedient to their fathers, then loyal wives and servants obedient to their husbands. Even in the modern Christian marriage ceremony the presiding church authority asks, "Who gives this woman..." It is a tradition that originally assumed that a daughter is a father's "property," to be given away or handed over to an approved would-be husband and master of the house.

Most men who uphold "fundamentalist" patriarchal religious traditions still cling to that idea, and some carry it to such extremes that their daughters and wives have very little freedom. Misguided Muslim "fundamentalists" are the worst in that regard, but some Christian fundamentalists are nearly as bad. They believe that the purpose of women is to fulfill only one duty, as wives to keep the house, bear and take care of children, feed their families, and treat their husband as a king.

Of course, a lot of men in the world would say there's nothing wrong with that. And, granted, there is nothing wrong with it IF it is the free choice of a woman, and IF she serves her husband and family out of genuine love and a pure sense of giving.

However, when a woman is forced to do it as a duty, either by cultural tradition or "religious" law or patriarchal dictate, and she is limited to it without freedom to develop her talents or follow her dreams, it is oppressive, inhibiting, and tyrannical. And it is simply wrong.

That is why the Women's Liberation Movement in America was so needed, and so popular. And, even though right-wing conservative religious patriarchs have done their best to try to stop it and discredit it during the last 27 years, new research studies show that it was very successful. Today many American women are not afraid to say they actually feel they are smarter than men, can manage their financial affairs better than men, and will not marry or be in a relationship with a man who insists on being the "boss." In fact, many wives proudly feel and say that they "wear the pants" in the family. And many do.

Indeed, today some of the brightest and most innovative and influential people in the world are women. And in my view this was inevitable, and it is part of the evolutionary process. It is natural that many women are feeling encouraged and empowered, and it was predictable that we would go through this natural adjustment.

Granted, daughters should respect legitimate wishes of their parents, and wives should keep their vows to their husbands (just as husbands should keep their vows to their wives). If they make vows and come to agreement, they should honor those vows. That should go without saying.

However, whether women are young or mature, they should feel free to follow their heart. After all, some parents are not good parents and some husbands are not good husbands, and some husbands and fathers are either despotic or uncaring and neglectful. Therefore, it is not surprising that some daughters and some wives follow their heart even if and when it does not please their fathers or husbands. We are here to serve God's will, not the will of men who claim to be right and good judges even when they act like tyrants.

Don't get me wrong. My own father was a very good man, and a very good father, and I think most men are good men. But I am a man, and I know very well what a fool and stupid jerk I have been and still am on occasions. I know the temptation to try to control women, and I know that many men give way to that temptation. I also know that many men are terrible, and so power hungry that they resort to anger and violence to intimidate and control their wives and children.

Fortunately, we are able to see many educational news programs, movies and television shows that depict men either as "macho" bullies who want to control women and even get angry and violent if they lose control, or as stupid, bumbling fools and idiots. When women see such bad examples, some of them identify with the female victims. They know they are not alone, and it gives them support and courage to avoid or leave such men.

Of course, as I said, most men are not that way. In fact, most men are good, so on one hand it is unfair that men are depicted and portrayed as bullies or fools so often by the entertainment industry. But, on the other hand, the portrayal and depiction of men as bullies or fools can be good, because many men are exactly that way, and it probably helps those men to see examples of how stupid and self-defeating their behaviors are.

The important thing to realize is that all this will eventually pass away. The women's liberation movement will be restored and it will mature. Both men and women will understand that they are meant to be equal partners. All the antiquated sexist roles, whether they are considered "religious" or are simply cultural and traditional, will become obsolete. We will all be liberated, including children.

The time will come when we will realize that parents should give their children proper guidance and establish proper limits, but with love and trust, and that when children betray that trust, parents should enforce proper and appropriate corrective discipline. Parent education will become something that all new parents will receive, automatically, as part of the public education system. We will also realize that we are not supposed to expect our loved ones to live up to our personal expectations or fantasies. We are supposed to give our loved ones the gift of unconditional love, and the freedom to follow their heart and live up to their own potential.

We do not and cannot "own" or control any one. That is a fleeting, egocentric illusion. This is God's Creation and we are God's Children, so let God's will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. Let women free. We will all thank God when we all do.

Conservatives on the Religious Right (particularly Christian, Jewish, and Muslim Fundamentalists) are very confident that they know better than anyone else how to solve all manner of problems. But in many ways they have gone to extremes and taken giant leaps backwards — and this is particularly true concerning problems involving sex.

I submit that while there certainly are problems concerning certain sexual behaviors, the way to solve them is not to go backward, but forward — honestly, candidly, realistically, and courageously. That is the only way we can progress, because the rigid, prohibitive, dishonest, unrealistic, theocratic, patriarchal approach is not only backward, it is simply counterproductive. It fails to prevent inappropriate sexual behavior, just as it fails to prevent drug abuse. In fact, it usually exacerbates the problems.

The reality is that there are far more problems involving sex now, after two and half decades of prudish preaching by the Religious Right, than there were at the height of the sexual revolution in America during the 1960s and ‘70s. That’s not just a coincidence.

Therefore, we have to establish once and for all that sex is good, and that it is simply not true, as many misguided theocratic preachers claim, that sex and sexuality are inherently evil, especially when it is in a premarital context. That is not true.

Contrary to widespread religious belief, indulging in the biblical "forbidden fruit" is not about "eating an apple," and being "tempted by the serpent" has nothing to do with sex. The "serpent" who tempted Eve in the Book of Genesis symbolizes subtle guile and deceit, not sex. As I’ve discussed on other pages, it has to do with indulging in judgmental egotism, playing god, and thinking you are a wiser judge than others.

There are, however, instances in the Bible where the serpent is associated with sex, and in those instances it is positive. In fact, it is associated with the positive sexual healing energy and uniting and integrating spiritual "serpent power" that Moses was given, which is also called the kundalini energy in yogic terms. That is why Moses made a "serpent of brass" on a rod to symbolize it, which eventually became the symbol for medicine.

Unfortunately, even though Moses was for the most part divinely inspired, he came up with some misguided ideas that were not divinely inspired, and some were actually sexist and erroneous. But, after all, he was only human, and in those ancient days they didn’t know what we now know about the human body and physiology and biology. That’s why Moses wrote that a man and woman cannot lie together while she "has her sickness" (while she is menstruating) "or they will be banished and shunned by their people." He also wrote that if you touch the bed of a woman who is menstruating, you are "unclean." Those are obviously very antiquated notions that are totally out of touch with present-day knowledge and reality, not to mention common sense.

In fact, there are many other things written in the "law giving" books of the Old Testament in the Bible, particularly in Deuteronomy and Leviticus, that are even more obviously irrelevant and inappropriate today, and in certain instances just wrong. Indeed, there are many ancient attitudes and beliefs found in Old Testament Judaic Scripture that have long since been abandoned either because the Christ Jesus repealed and negated them, or because modern scientific discoveries either proved them wrong or have changed cultural attitudes about them.

Unfortunately, there are right-wing "conservative" religious leaders who have not understood that every word in Scripture is not "God’s Word." The words in scripture were written by people who were only human. Most were divinely inspired in many respects, and they provided great wisdom and advice. But even the most enlightened and divinely blessed person expresses their own personal opinions and judgments, and some of their words were misguided and misleading, and have led to gross errors in the judgment of men ever since.

One crucial example of that is the mistaken belief regarding the phrase about a man and woman becoming "one flesh." I will discuss what that really means, but first I should discuss why most patriarchal religious authorities have not understood the truth and were ignorant of divine intent, and consequently our idea of morality with regard to sex and marriage has been distorted.

Most people do not realize the influence that right-wing conservative religious leaders have had on society, and especially on government. They’ve been pushing us backwards instead of progressing forward, and they’ve pretty much had their way in many instances and in many places around the world during the last 27 years, even in America.

For example, in America, despite the fact that about 73 percent of the American people believe that all children should benefit from comprehensive sex education and that if teens are sexually active they should have access to contraceptives, the Christian Right has, through aggressive political action and legislation, overruled the majority. They’ve had considerable influence over Congress, state legislatures, and local school boards, especially with regard to what our children are being taught (or not taught) about sex in school.

Consequently, in 1996, as part of the "welfare reform" program, Congress voted to spend $250 million over five years to develop an "abstinence-only" curriculum. Schools are eligible for these funds if they teach that: 1) sexual abstinence has psychological and health benefits; 2) contraceptives are prone to failure and negative consequences; 3) sexual activity outside marriage is abnormal and likely to have harmful psychological and physical effects; and 4) out-of-wedlock child bearing is likely to harm the child, the parents, and society.

To make matters worse, during the last ten years, many schools have been distributing "standard guidelines" built around the abstinence-only curriculum. The trouble is, those "guidelines" were published by a right-wing partisan religious group, and their literature contains misinformation and thinly disguised puritanical propaganda throughout. It completely avoids teaching young people what they really should know about sex, and it goes so far as to claim that premarital or out-of-wedlock sex leads to suicide!

Such claims are blatantly false, and that strategy has proven to be counterproductive. Scare tactics never work, whether they are supposed to prevent drug abuse or premarital sex. Studies have shown that the abstinence-only education has shown little or no impact on most young people’s behavior, and the impact that it has had has been more negative than positive.

In fact, research studies shows that teen pregnancy rates and sexually transmitted disease (STD) rates are on the rise among students who were merely taught the abstinence-only curriculum. Furthermore, research studies also show that only certain kinds of programs actually DO succeed in preventing teen pregnancy and STDs, and those are the few that are still able to offer what abstinence_only programs do not offer. That is, the programs that actually succeed provide comprehensive sex education, including information about sexually transmitted diseases, birth control, and contraception.

Studies of the surviving comprehensive sex education programs found that their participants delayed the onset of sexual activity, increased the use of contraception, and reduced their number of sexual partners. They found that comprehensive sex education does not hasten sexual activity, that making condoms available does not increase sexual behavior, and that education about abstinence and contraception are compatible and not in conflict with each other. These findings fly in the face of abstinence-only advocates, who erroneously claim that the opposite is true.

More recent studies have found that more than half of the teenagers who took "virginity pledges" still engage in sex, and, because of a lack of a good sex education, they engage in unsafe, unprotected, sexual practices. Moreover, rates of sexually transmitted disease infections are the same among young people who have taken abstinence pledges and those who have not. And teen pregnancy rates are on the rise across the board.

Most of those facts were confirmed in a more recent, comprehensive study that shows that few teens honor "virginity pledges." In fact, teenagers who pledge to remain virgins until marriage are just as likely to have premarital sex as those who do not promise abstinence and are significantly less likely to use condoms and other forms of birth control when they do. More than half of youths became sexually active before marriage regardless of whether they had taken a "virginity pledge."

In spite of the facts regarding ineffectiveness of abstinence-focused sexual education, Congress and the new Obama administration are still considering spending more than $176 million more in annual funding for such programs. That, to me, is utter foolishness. It’s not only a waste of money. It’s counterproductive, and for more reasons than I’ve already covered.

You see, there are even more harmful effects of the misguided ideas and prohibitions of the abstinence-only teachings. They ultimately push us right back into sexual repression and denial of our sexual nature. They produce either a lot of frustration or a lot of guilt or a lot of rebelliousness, and they force people to resort to sexual outlets that are very poor substitutes. Worse yet, they tempt some people to resort to sexual outlets that are unhealthy and frowned upon by society, to say the very least.

For example, today more than half of all adult sex offenders began sexually abusive behavior as juveniles after they reached puberty. That is very revealing, since they were taught as juveniles that premarital sex in any form is "wrong." That is another indication that a prohibitive approach is actually counterproductive. It tends to cause some young people to rebel whenever and however they can, sometimes in very inappropriate and harmful ways. So, besides having very little positive impact on any of the real problems, it actually creates problems that might not have manifested otherwise.

But the problem of sexual repression has been with us a very long time, and it is the main reason we have so many sexual problems. For while human beings tend to do what comes naturally, we have been taught not to do that. And that has caused a myriad of problems.

In my view it is part of the reason men treat women as sex objects. That is because the social taboo on sex before marriage causes most young men resort to masturbation, and they usually do so while fantasizing about a woman’s image as a sexual object. The earliest sexual experiences of many young men is masturbating while viewing a photo of a nude woman in a magazine, and fantasizing about her. And their first sexual experience with a live woman is sometimes with a prostitute or with a "loose" or "easy" girl they did not love, and such experiences were therefore detrimental to their sexual education. After all, while those kinds of experiences provide a quick and fleeting bit of pleasure, they usually leave one feeling empty. Not only that, they are totally inadequate to prepare a young man for a genuine reciprocal loving sexual relationship with a mate. In fact, they can impede and even prevent it, because their first sexual experiences provided no spiritual connection, no physical union, no relationship, no loving intimacy. They were self-centered, and only about self-gratification.

That is not to say that masturbation is wrong, and it is not even to say that sex without love is necessarily wrong. But, in many cases it is a large part of the reason why so many men tend to regard women as sex objects for the rest of their lives, and why they tend to use women’s bodies essentially as masturbation devices for their personal pleasure. They did not learn the possibilities or benefits of a real sexual union and reciprocal sharing of loving feelings, sexual energy, emotions, and total bodily pleasure. Instead, they focus on their sex organ and on their orgasm. Therefore they tend to think of sex as something they "get" from a woman, and that is why so many women are so often resentful. In fact, that’s why so many women withhold sex as a punishment, or relinquish it as a reward.

This shows that men aren’t the only ones who are affected negatively by having to repress their sexual desires before marriage. Women are too. They too miss out on learning and discovering their sexuality in ways that are in tune with nature and their spiritual inclinations. Instead, they are taught for many years that sex is wrong, and then all of a sudden they are expected to feel that it is alright as soon as they are married. Many women who are virgins when they marry have problems because of that. Those problems are made worse if they marry a man who is equally dysfunctional, who objectifies women and simply wants to use their body to satisfy himself. In that case, their marriage is in deep trouble from the very start, even though it may take years for them to fully realize it.

Now it is time to be liberated from repressive patriarchal nonsense. It is time for the whole world to be fully educated about sexual reality and the real facts of life. For if everyone knew the joys of true sexual union, sex would not be something a woman "gives" to a man. It would be something she mutually enjoys with a man, and she would be every bit as desirous as a man.

We now need to understand that sex is one of the greatest gifts of God to humanity, so people should be able to do what comes naturally to express their love in the sight of God. It is perfectly all right. In most cases, with proper education, and with proper precautions and birth control (for those who want to avoid pregnancy), this would only lead to deeper love, fulfillment, joy, and happiness. We all know that, if we are really truthful with ourselves.

Originally, such patriarchal traditions were created and perpetuated to ensure the stability and certainty of "royal blood lines." That was the practice of all patriarchal monarchs, and that practice was ultimately imitated by all "common" men as well, to ensure the stability and certainty of the patriarchal family lines and the "family name." That’s why our traditional beliefs and morals regarding sex have been so strict and held so sacrosanct, and why the unblemished "family tree" is still so important to so many people.

That’s not to say that it is wrong. Not at all. In fact, it’s a good thing to belong to a family and know who your ancestors were. Families are great, and family trees are important. And even though certain patriarchal attitudes and beliefs will gradually fade away, it does not mean that it will destroy any of the good things about families. The traditional family may always be the ideal, and the best things about families will always endure. The need for family is innate in us.

However, we can redefine family to fit reality and meet our needs. And we need to establish more modern and educated conventions for courting, engagement, and marriage. For example, in the future we may consider that young lovers who are having sexual relations could regard themselves engaged to be married, and if the relationship produces a pregnancy, they may be married. That is basically what most people do now anyway, and it could be considered acceptable and normal. But I don’t think we should be strict about it. Perhaps it should just be considered as the ideal.

Of course, strict parents of young daughters will initially be afraid that this kind of freedom would encourage promiscuity and sexual activity at too young an age. But we need to give our children more credit, and we especially need to trust our children as they become young men and women. With proper, realistic education and honest guidance, they will usually do the right thing. We also need to remember our own youth and recall how it was, and we need to realize how it really is for youth today.

Most people probably do not realize that about 63 percent of high school seniors have already engaged in sexual intercourse, and about half of all young girls have already had sexual intercourse by the age of 14. Moreover, 40 percent of those young women keep it a secret from their parents. So, we really need to acknowledge that while our society has placed great value on having our young women be virgins and delay sex for as long as possible, most do not — and that is for several reasons.

However, another reason for young people’s engaging in sex is that sexual abstinence is not realistic for many of them. Many young lovers find that sexual intimacy happens naturally and according to nature’s schedule. Unfortunately, it is not a good experience for many, largely because of the current climate of sexual taboos and the terrible lack of honest, quality education about sex and sexuality.

But, in spite of that, some young lovers manage to have good and appropriate natural experiences, and others probably could too if they were properly educated and informed. After all, those that are going to have sex anyway might as well be fully prepared! And, with proper education, many more would probably not engage in sex inappropriately, or too early. In fact, that is what research studies have shown.

I believe that in the future -- provided with proper, honest, no nonsense, comprehensive sex education – young women will be empowered and able to feel very comfortable with saying no if they are not ready for sexual activity. And, with proper and adequate education, young men will understand very clearly that when a girl or young woman says no, it means no! Coaxing, begging and threatening will be understood as inappropriate, unfair, and wrong.

When we educate them properly, boys and young men will understand that they should respect a young woman’s virginity as something sacred and precious. They will understand that it is something that she should not "lose" to anyone, but give freely only if and when she is truly in love and truly ready. It should be impressed upon all males of every age how serious a crime it is to disregard that and violate a female sexually, whether she is a virgin or not. All males should know how deeply it can affect a female’s whole life if she is sexually violated, and they should fully understand that it is one of the most serious offenses and crimes that a male can commit.

With thorough and proper sex education we can create an environment where sexual behavior is far more appropriate; where chastity and virginity is totally respected; where boys understand that girls are physically and emotionally very different and are to be honored and respected.

We can also create an environment where young lovers can follow their heart and do what comes naturally. For when our attitudes are in tune with nature and when we properly educate young people, there will be far less sexual abuse, far less violation of female rights and privacy, and far less unwanted teen pregnancy.

Now, as for sexually experienced single adults, I believe the "rules" for sexual relations can and should be much more flexible. Sexual activity is, after all, a personal, private affair, and we are all unique individuals who are free to make our own choices as consenting adults. Some of us are comfortable with very traditional sexual behavior, while others are comfortable with a lot of sexual freedom. For instance, what we often see in movies is a depiction of real people who do what comes naturally, and there is usually nothing wrong with that. We learn by doing, and we learn as much from our mistakes as we do from our successes. In fact, we probably learn more from our mistakes.

Of course, sexual freedom will come slower in cultures that have been extremely repressed and misguided. But, eventually, all humanity will realize the need for religious reformation, especially with regard to sex. In time everyone will realize what many people already realize — that sex is natural and good. As long as it is consensual, mutually beneficial, and no harm is done, it is not wrong.

I believe sexual affairs should be considered all right as long as they are motivated by genuine mutual attraction and desire; as long as they are carried on with mutual caring and respect; and as long as the participants are free to have them. And that should not be considered promiscuity, because promiscuity is merely fornication, which is copulating or having sexual intercourse merely for the sake of having sex, without love, and without real attraction or caring. Fornication is not necessarily wrong, but it is not good because it cheapens sex and uses it for fleeting, frivolous and unrewarding reasons.

I submit that most problems involving and relating to sex could be solved fairly easily if our society would simply develop a healthier and more natural attitude toward sex, and take the reasonable and logical steps necessary to prevent and solve the problems. It merely requires that we all realize and acknowledge that unhealthy and inappropriate sexual behavior really is a direct result of ignorance, false beliefs, sexual repression, and denial of our real nature.

The sexual revolution that the hippies started in America in the 1960s was in fact part of a spiritual liberation movement, and it was a completely natural response to the hypocrisy and error of then-existing sexual mores, which have once again been imposed on many people by the Christian Right. When we realize that, and are finally able to finish throwing off the false beliefs that have inhibited and repressed humanity for thousands of years, we will be amazed at the difference it will make in society.

As we become more comfortable, natural and free with our sexuality, we will see all sexual problems diminish. We will see less and less pornography, less and less vulgarity, and less and less cheap and sleazy displays of sexuality. Sex will become more natural and more naturally beautiful, as will the portrayals of sex in erotic adult movies and, eventually, even on television. But we can progress forward only if we choose to, rather than condone backward efforts to restore sexual repression and abstinence.

Furthermore, and perhaps even more important, we can learn that we human beings are very unique sexually. While many other animals have been given the ability to have sex and copulate to procreate, only human beings have been blessed by God with the ability to merge sexually and enjoy the ecstatic bliss of real, divine, spiritual, sexual union.

We have to learn that, however, because we have not been educated about our human sexual potential. In fact, most people in the world, particularly in countries dominated by Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, are totally ignorant of our real sexual potential and capability.

Unfortunately, our historical and traditional notions of morality have prevented us from naturally learning the truth, and in our ignorance most of us grow up socially repressing our sexuality while secretly masturbating. That’s the reality, and it is natural, of course, under the circumstances. In fact, there is nothing wrong with masturbation. It can provide pleasure and release of tension, especially when it is one’s only sexual outlet.

However, because we become so dependent on masturbation during our formative years, when most people finally "have sex" with a partner they usually rely on techniques that stimulate the sex organ in order to bring on the familiar masturbatory response. They either enjoy direct stimulation and/or copulate like animals, thrusting until they achieve a release of sexual tension. The trouble is, that merely replaces self-stimulation with using another person’s body for stimulation. It feels pretty good and it is pretty good, of course, but the fact is that it falls short of what is possible.

You see, there is a wonderful phenomenon that is created as a result of the actual merging of a man’s and a woman’s spiritual aura and sexual energy, until they become "as one flesh," just as the Bible says.

I’m talking about an actual spiritual-sexual union brought about by the awakening and merging of the sexual-spiritual energy of a man and woman, and it’s known as the kundalini or "serpent power" energy. When it is awakened or activated, it moves both the man and the women together, involuntarily, as if they were one body glued together as "one flesh." It moves them in undulating waves of blissful pleasure, very slowly. Then, very gradually it increases in intensity (but not necessarily in tempo) toward full mutual orgasmic bliss. It has little to do with an "in and out" thrusting copulating motion, or with friction or direct stimulation of the sex organs. It has more to do with the merging of the spiritual aura and the uniting flow of life-force-energy — the real union of a man and a woman.

This could be a natural thing, if young lovers were able to express their love naturally and innocently as their first sexual experience. But I think for most people it has to be learned. It would probably not be easy for most, since most people are accustomed to achieving orgasm through direct stimulation. That’s why many people study and practice tantric yoga or kundalini yoga or maithuna, which were designed to teach how to achieve true sexual union.

I caution you, however, that if you wish to pursue one of these methods, you should do plenty of research to find out what the teacher’s "credentials," are, who their teacher was, and who originated the teaching. For there are many people now claiming to teach different systems of yoga that do not have genuine credentials and did not learn tried and true practices that have been handed down for many, many centuries. That does not mean that some new methods are not good and appropriate. It just means that you should be careful and use reasonable caution. And you should be aware that most things that are worthwhile take work.

The good news is that even though genuine divine sexual union is not very easy for most people to immediately experience, it needn’t be frustrating if and when at first we don’t succeed. In fact, the wonderful thing about it is that falling short of that goal is not un-satisfying! You can try and try again, and you can always fall back on the old ways. But merely attempting to learn it will steadily improve and prolong sex for most people, even if they never happen to be fortunate enough to experience the complete merging and union of spiritual energy through sexual union.

The question that will arise, of course, is what about all the young people that cannot help but indulge in self gratification (masturbation) as soon as they are capable? Does that jeopardize their sexual potential? And what about all the people who do not fall in love when they are young? Does that mean they should refrain from masturbating or having sex until they are fortunate enough to fall in love?

My opinion would be that they should not repress their natural urges, but just be educated fully about the sexual realities and possibilities. I believe we should not be strict and rigid or prohibitive, even with ourselves.

The point is that lovers can learn to spiritually merge and lose their self in each other, become "one flesh," and become one with each other while making love. When each one focuses on the indescribable feeling and sensation that is generated by their union, putting their undivided attention on their togetherness, they can become one in the spirit.

However, you should know that, just like individual union with God, it cannot be attained by intellectual knowledge, and effort will not automatically achieve it. It comes as a gift from God, only when you lose your self in the other and become one, and only then will divine union take place.

Eventually most people will realize that we should no longer listen to those who want to push us backward and perpetuate misguided ancient patriarchal attitudes about sex and sexuality. While the Religious Right may think they are being wise and "godly" by trying to get us all to repress our natural sexual desires and inclinations, they are only proving how spiritually blind and how ignorant of God and God’s wonderful creation they really are. Granted, they merely follow old traditions and customs that they think are right, but once again they are wrong. We must go forward toward freedom, acceptance, and exploration, and understand that it is God’s will that we finally be liberated from false, repressive attitudes and beliefs.

God created us the way we are for a very good reason, and there is nothing wrong with the way we are. We should be the way we are, freely, naturally, and joyfully — and we should thank God for it.

(Most of this discussion about sex was expressed in my first two books, published in 2002.)

Commentary on Sharing a Home as Partners

An old folk song titled The Water is Wide says, "Love is handsome, love is fine; clear as a jewel when first it’s new. But love grows old, and waxes cold, and fades away, like morning dew."

That can be very true. That’s why there is so much divorce, and so many unhappy marriages.

Some marriages end in divorce because the couple only thought they were in love when they got married, and didn’t realize it was only physical attraction. They don’t realize that physical attraction eventually waxes cold and fades away, and they divorce because one or both of them find someone else more physically attractive. They were not really and truly in love, and their attraction was merely physical and superficial.

But some couples who were truly in love divorce because they simply grow apart due to increasingly different interests. That is sometimes unavoidable, and sometimes couples cannot save their relationship when they cannot or do not do most things together. They suffer a sense of loneliness that they cannot overcome, because their life was built upon identification with the other. They cannot adjust, and some cannot overcome their dependency on the other’s presence, so they look for another who will fit the partnership model they like.

Sometimes one or the other or both encounter trouble because of an inability to allow each other to grow, follow their heart, and fulfil their dreams and potential. They cannot put their ego and self-interest aside and let the other grow naturally. They seek control over the other, and then get upset when the other does not live up to their expectations. Some even punish the other, one way or another, even if it’s just emotionally.

Some couples end their relationship because one or the other or both have been "unfaithful," and they cannot forgive infidelity. That’s mostly because of traditional attitudes and beliefs, both patriarchal and matriarchal, and "adultery" is traditionally considered an unforgivable sin by most religions to protect family blood lines. But, if you think about it, it’s about ownership of your mate, and as I said above, we cannot own another person. They are their own person. And often when we give in to our sexual attraction and desire for someone other than our established partner or spouse, it does not necessarily mean that we love our established partner or spouse any less. That’s not to say it’s alright if it breaks vows of fidelity, but it is to say that it is forgivable and does not need to ruin a marriage or partnership.

Of course, sometimes there are irreconcilable differences, and in some cases separation or divorce is the best for all concerned. But, many marriages could be saved, with work — work on examining one’s motives, on honest communication, on compromise, on understanding, and on forgiveness – especially forgiveness. And, ideally, it takes selflessness.

It takes being bravely honest in expressing how what your partner has said (or done or not done) has made you feel – but not in an accusatory way. We should merely explain why we feel the way we do, without trying to lay blame on the other, and without trying to make the other feel guilty.

That, however, is not easy, and it is not our tendency. Our tendency is to not want to voice our feelings, because we want to be polite, accepting and forgiving. But often when we keep our feelings inside we let resentments build up, and when we do that we sometimes finally voice them when we get annoyed, or when we get angry. We blow off steam. And even though our judgment and criticism is sometimes what someone needs to hear, they can’t accept it because of the way it was delivered. They feel attacked and react defensively, and perhaps defiantly and in denial, and they may even retaliate. That’s why it’s not good to be confrontational and speak in anger or with negative emotions. That’s why it’s best to speak out either before we reach a point of exasperation or anger, or after we have let it pass, and bravely and honestly express how we feel without being accusatory.

On the other hand, it is sometimes better to just hold your tongue, especially if and when you are annoyed that your partner has not lived up to your expectations, and especially when there has been no agreement or understanding of what is expected. In such instances, we should think twice, and realize it would not be fair to say anything.

This is what I think after 30 years of marriage. But, it is my third marriage. The first lasted for seven years, and the second lasted for less than a year (when I was in my mid-thirties and found a beautiful, soulful younger woman who was infatuated with me). Now, much older and perhaps wiser, I feel I can speak with some experience.

I frankly believe that a good marriage is one where each partner is content the majority of time and is happy some of the time, but is also annoyed at their partner some of the time. How could it be otherwise? We are not perfect, and sometimes we are thoughtless and inconsiderate. Sometimes we are prone to be self-centered, self-absorbed, and even selfish. That, after all, is our default position, which we indulged in as little children before we reached the age of reason.

I think the key is looking on the bright side, reminding yourself of the good things, and not dwelling on the bad things to the point that they fester and become worse than they really are.

As the Beatles sang, all you need is love, and as Sting sang, if you love someone, set them free. That’s pretty good advice. There are many songs about love, because it’s the most powerful feeling and emotion. Life would be worthless without it. The song of the heart is one of God’s greatest gifts, and the world would be a far better place if more songs were really heard and felt, and not merely sung to the air without being really heard.